zondag 6 oktober 2013

Silence... the Sound of my Romance

Yesterday morning I stood in the train station of Antwerp, waiting for my small journey to Gand, where I work for the Film Festival. (Yes, we also start to work in the weekend, because it starts next week.) 
It was so loud. The machines were so loud. People talk so loud as possible so everyone can hear them. There are everywhere ads, with violent colors. People hurry, people think "me, me, me", when they want to embark on the train, and even I am part of this whole cacophony. I am working too hard, and I feel how days become grey (and not only because the winter in Belgium is going to start). Then I realized what I really want. 

I want to be a quiet person. Point. No exclamation point.

The days before my cousin and I talked about our destinations in life. She wants to become a stylist, helping people to look better, by letting them feel better, and to advise them how they can change their food, colors of clothes and life style to feel better. She is 30 years old. She is going to start a blog soon: Letstalkaboutyouand...
She works as a shop assistant manager, and is already in this sector for 10 years. She studied photography, food consultancy, colors & style... and now she has found the perfect study. This is in Amsterdam, and as some of you know, it is expensive to study in the Netherlands. While university and other higher education has fees between 0 and 600 euros each year, it is 5000 euros in the Netherlands. It is still not so much if you compare the prices in UK and USA, but I don't want to talk about their ideas about equal chances. Even 5000 euros is too much for most people in Belgium, which is not really ranked as a "poor country". My cousin is a single mom. Amsterdam is 2hours by train from Antwerp, but it is expensive for her to travel, and also pay day (and night) care for her baby.

I am 24, and I don't know exactly what I want. I love geography, nature, writing, traveling, meeting people, silences, gazing at world maps, eating strawberries with my hands, tasting salt on my lips, dreaming about guys, you know... I studied some things, but I don't know what I want to be. I have dreams, ideas, values... like breaking stereotypes, taking care of nature... but there is so much to do I got lost. I want to take care of the nature, but my 2-3 jobs take me away of really being the "green" person I want to be. After this internship, I decided to work already part-time, and do more sports, yoga, gardening, spending time in my house, decorating and cleaning it, reading books... to become more the person I want... In fact, I want to worship Silence. When Loudness dominates my working world, I want to enjoy the Silence, the sound of my new romance, who is now neglected.

But then... I wonder... why can I not also worship Silence in the working days? Why can I not be silent, when I work? People expect you to be competitive, assertive... but that creates only stress.  It would be interesting if skills like "active listening", not striving for visual cool, but for visual beauty in your work, to have breaks... That is my strongest challenge... to learn to say no, and find a balance, not in dividing my week in "silent" and "loud" days, but to divide each second in a silent and loud part.

I still don't know where and what I want to work, but I promised myself that at least one criteria for choosing a job will be that I can see chances to be more myself, to be more in balance in this job, and can find place for Silence in my job, even if this job does not get good paid as others, where you will be overwhelmed by sounds in all seizes and meanings.

The thing is... I should not be afraid to be poor... because that makes you really poor...

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